Clothes Don't Make The Man
by Trollface Mastah
Summary: A new family moves into Langley Falls, much to Smith's delight. There's just one catch though: they're nudists! How will the Smiths react? Rated M for depiction of non-sexual, but lengthy nudity and occasional strong language.
1. Chapter 1: Meet Vic Jones

**I do not own American Dad! Original characters belong to me, American Dad characters belong Seth Macfarlane, Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, and Fox Network.**

It started as an ordinary day for Stan Smith at CIA headquarters. Stan was at his desk, playing solitaire on his computer while sipping coffee, when Jackson burst into his office with big news.

"Hey Smith, Bullock called all the agents to the conference room for a meeting. Apparently, it's something huge!"

Stan perked up at the sudden news. "What's the occasion?" he asked. "

Hell if I know," was all Jackson answered and with that he left to alert the other agents, leaving Stan alone with his thoughts.

"What could Bullock possibly be announcing?" Stan wondered. "Maybe he finally took my idea for laser rifles seriously!" Ecstatic, Stan headed for the conference room.

After all the agents gathered in the conference room, Bullock cleared his throat and made his important announcement. "Everybody, I am proud to welcome our newest operative, Vic Jones," said Bullock as he motioned to the man standing next to him.

Vic Jones wore a brown business suit with a white undershirt and a red tie and black loafers. Jones had blond hair styled in a Superman-like swirl, lightly tanned skin, and well-built chin.

Everyone welcomed the new operative, except for Stan, who was expecting there to be laser rifles. Bullock quieted everyone down and continued speaking, "Now, what you all may not know is that Mr. Jones was, in fact, one of Florida's top agents before moving to Langley Falls. So please, treat him the same respect and dignity you would give to a higher-class agent that gets paid more than you." With that said, Bullock left the room, leaving everyone else to meet the new operative.

As the CIA staff gathered around Vic and clamored over him, Stan stood in a corner and sulked over the missed opportunity of laser weapons. "Wow Vic, you actually managed to take down a drug cartel kingpin with only a spoon?" asked Dick excitedly.

"Technically, I used a fork for that mission. I used a spoon to kill a Japanese warlord while I was in Tokyo," answered Vic in a humble, matter-of-fact tone of voice.

The agents let out whoops and cheers, signifying their acceptance of the Floridian operative. Stan, on the other hand, simply regarded Vic with contempt. 'What a bunch of suck-ups,' Stan thought to himself. 'Can't they see what a phony that guy is? I bet that they'd cheering for me if _I _ran around killing criminals with various utensils. They'd call me Smith: Crusader of the American Utensils! Wouldn't that be the day?'

Wrapping up his inner monologue, Stan noticed that the agents were now filing out of the conference room. Figuring he should get back to his office as well, Stan was about to head out when he was stopped by none other than Vic Jones.

"Hey, Smith was it?" Vic told Stan.

"Yes, that's me, Stan Smith," Stan replied in a cautionary manner. 'How does this guy know my name?' wondered Stan as he gave Vic a strained smile.

"Yeah, Stan Smith, that's it! Anyway, I was just wondering if you'd like to join me for lunch. My treat." Stan was about to pass when he realized that he hadn't had breakfast this morning and was starving. And he was willing to pay. So, going against his better judgment, Stan accepted the offer.

Arriving at a diner, Stan and Vic took a booth and looked over the menu. They stayed silent for a while, with Stan tapping his fingers and looking around nervously and Vic looking carefully through the menu.

This continued for a few minutes until Vic broke the ice with, "You know I hear this place has great soups and chowders."

Stan, uncomfortable with Vic and the bizarre situation at hand, blurted out, "Okay Jones, tell me this is not going end up like those gay fan fictions I've been hearing about, because I have a wife and kids at home. No offense bro, that's just how I roll."

Surprised by Stan's sudden outburst, Vic Jones simply looked at him as he was a madman for a moment, and then Vic broke into a hearty laughter. Vic's laughter managed to reach the entire restaurant, causing the diner patrons to turn around and wonder what the hell was so funny. Neither of the men paid them any mind.

Finally, after pulling himself together, Vic said in between chuckles, "Stan…I swear on the Holy Bible that I am straight as an arrow in the Playboy Mansion."

Stan, embarrassed by his declaration, simply asked, "You are?"

"Of course I am!" answered Vic, wiping a few tears from his eyes. "As a matter of fact, I happen to have a family of my very own. One wife, three kids and a golden retriever. Shocking isn't it?"

Stan, feeling much more relaxed around Vic said, "Sorry about that Vic. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusion so quickly. To tell you the truth, I was feeling a bit suspicious about you inviting over for lunch out of the blue. In fact, how did you even know my name?"

Vic, now in complete control of himself, responded, "Well, Stan that's kind of long story…"

After the two men ordered their drinks (a Coca-Cola for Vic and Mr. Pib for Stan), Vic told Stan about how he came to know him. "You see Stan, when I came to Langley Falls, I heard talk about a Stan Smith who, quite frankly, fucked up a lot of shit for the CIA over the years."

"Oh," Stan said dejectedly. He was hoping Vic wouldn't know about his screw ups with the CIA. He expected Vic Jones to admonish him about his mistakes right then and there, before the soup came out.

Instead, Vic continued to talk, "But as it turns out, while I was still in Florida, I was told of a Stan Smith who went on amazing and life threating missions." Stan perked up at the development of Vic's story. "I heard about how you managed to survive an alien encounter _twice_, stopped the notorious Gorand the Mutilator while you were on vacation and protected Bullock while he was in a senile state of mind!"

Vic spoke with genuine respect about these accounts, as if he were talking about King Arthur and the Round Table rather than Stan Smith. "Although I may seem like a big shot to everyone, the missions I've been pale in comparison to yours. I only used utensils on those low-level criminals because at a restaurant and I forgot my gun."

Stan, humbled by Vic's recount of the adventures he's had with his family said, "Vic, you should that, despite everything you've been told about me, I'm just a regular, run-of-the-mill agent. Nothing special."

"But that's just it!" replied Vic. "Despite being ordinary, you wind having incredible missions and still manage to come home to your family. It's people like you that leave a real mark on the world. So when I was transferred to Langley Falls, I gladly left my post at the Sunshine Paradise district and came to Virginia with nothing but my family and a smile. And _that_, Stan Smith, is why I invited you to lunch."

Stan, touched by Vic's thoughts about him and his life stated, "Well Vic, I'm just glad I was able to impact someone in a positive way for once. It's not every day I get to hear that I inspired someone."

Vic was just glad to finally get that off his chest. Ever since he and the rest of the Jones' moved from Sunshine Paradise, he had been wondering if he was doing the right thing for himself, and more importantly, his family. But after talking it out, he knew he made the right choice for everyone.

"Well Vic, let me proudly welcome you to Langley Falls," said Stan as he offered his hand to Langley Falls' newest resident. Uplifted, Vic shook Stan's hand, cementing his status as a Langley Falls citizen.

When their club sandwiches came to their table, Stan wanted to know more Vic Jones. "So Vic, how about that family of yours?"

Pulling a wallet out of his back pocket, Vic showed Stan a picture of his family at Disney World. "Pictured here are my lovely wife Mandy, my oldest son Reggie, my daughter Taylor, and my youngest son Luke. Not pictured is our good ole retriever, Bruce."

Looking at the photograph, Stan was impressed by the Jones family. "Vic, I must say, you have one beautiful, all-American family right there."

Vic put his wallet back and said, "Thanks Stan. Hey, have heard about Pearl Bailey High School? I want to know if some of the stuff people have been saying about that place is true."

Stan lit up once more. "Heard of it? My son, Steve goes to school there!" "Small world," replied Vic.

The two men continued to talk about the prospect of their children attending classes together while eating their sandwiches. Once they finished their meals and paid the difference, the two operatives were leaving the diner, when Vic asked, "Oh yeah, I just remembered! Stan, my wife is making dinner this evening and we would love it if your family came over for Mandy's home cooked chicken." Stan replied, "Sure. What's your address by the way?"

"It's 1028 Cherry Street. Uh, Stan what's with the stunned expression?"

"Vic, My family lives on _1026 _Cherry Street!" exclaimed Stan. "You know what that means? We're neighbors!"

Vic chuckled good-humoredly, "Well new neighbor, can we expect you guys over at 8:00?"

Stan stated in a slightly determined tone, "Vic, we'll show up big smiles and open arms! You can sure as hell count on that!"

With that, the Stan and Vic headed back to headquarters, looking forward to 8:00 PM.

Later that day, Stan came home chipper as a schoolboy during recess. As he walked through the door, his wife Francine greeted him with a kiss. "Welcome home Stan. How was your day?"

"Francine, I have some big news for everyone! Steve, Hayley, Roger, come on down," Stan called to the rest of his family. Soon, the remaining Smiths came down stairs. Once everyone was gathered around, Stan told everyone about his day, "Guess what everyone? I had lunch with a new operative who just moved to Langley Falls!"

"Oh let me guess, it ended like those gay fan fictions I write in my spare time," interrupted the Smith's resident alien, Roger.

"Get your mind out of the homoerotic gutter Roger," retorted Stan dryly. "Anyways, as it turns out the new operative, Vic Jones is impressed by some of the stuff I've accomplished at the CIA."

"Wow, he must _really _live a boring life to be that impressed," remarked Hayley sardonically.

"Hayley, don't interrupt your father!" scolded Francine. "Go on Stan."

"Thank you Francine. Anyway, to keep a long story short, it turns Vic and his family moved into our neighborhood and wants us over at their house for dinner! Come on, I know you're excited, just let it out."

Francine let out a cheer for joy, while the other Smiths stayed quiet. Stan did not anticipate such an underwhelmed reaction.

"Come on guys, why aren't you excited? We have new neighbors that like us right off the bat! This opportunity doesn't come around every day on a silver platter!"

"I don't know dad," Steve responded. "We really don't know that much about this family and from you told us, there isn't much to expect from them."

"Now Steven-," Francine began, but Stan cut her off. "Now, now Francine, let the boy think what he wants. Like he said, we shouldn't expect anything from a family who has a daughter Steve's age and will attend Pearl Bailey next week."

Upon hearing that, Steve's attitude did a complete 180. "On second thought, this family seems nice enough and they already invited us to dinner, so why not share our hospitality."

"Really Steve?" Hayley narrowed her eyes at her brother, who was too busy thinking about his meeting with the Jones' daughter. 'I hope she looks pretty and smells like lilac,' Steve thought to himself hopefully.

"What about me Stan?" chimed Roger. "What's to keep little old me from going to that dinner, getting bored and ruining your first impression with the new neighbors?"

"If you don't fuck anything up for us at the Jones'," Stan bargained, "I'll let you take full control of the TV for one whole month!" Stan knew he couldn't keep Roger away from the dinner even if he tried, so he had to put his negotiating skills to the test.

"Interesting," Roger said, rubbing his chin. "Tell me, does this bribe also include access to HBO and Cinemax?"

"Fine, whatever," Stan sighed. "Just behave yourself, please!"

"Well, I'm sold! Lena Dunham, here I come!" Roger said giddily.

Hayley then came up to Stan and said, "Well there's no way you can bribe me into this lame attempt at making the neighbors our 'friends'."

Rather than argue with his daughter, Stan merely said, "Eh, three out of four isn't so bad." Francine triumphantly stated, "Then it's settled; the Smiths are having dinner with the Jones'! Hey, did anyone else just notice the last names?"

"Hey, I never agreed to come along!" protested Hayley. "Really Hayley," quipped Roger acidly. "Tell me Hayley, do you happen to have any plans for tonight? Are you going to shop with your friends or go on a date at the movies by any chance?"

Hayley sighed, "Oh I give up." With his family beside him, Stan announced, "At 8:00 o'clock PM, we dine with the Jones'!"

"Hey, what about me?" asked the Smith's talking goldfish, Klaus. Apparently, he had been forgotten amongst the family meeting, as always. "Oh don't worry Klaus, we'll bring a plate for you," Francine responded absent-mindedly.

At 8:00 PM, the Smiths drove down the road, to the Jones' home. Francine was bubbling with excitement. "Oh honey, this is going to be wonderful! I hope the Jones' like this apple pie I baked for dessert." Confident in himself and his family, Stan replied, "An all-American dessert for two all-American families!"

The rest of the family (except for Hayley) was also looking forward to the dinner. For this evening, Roger was disguised as Uncle Roger Smith, their kooky, but well-meaning relative from Ohio. It was simple, but effective.

The Smith family parked in the driveway of a red, two-story home with four arrow-shaped windows on the second floor. "Nice place they've got," said "Uncle" Roger as he looked around their home. Stan rang the doorbell and stood with a smile on his face.

Seconds later, Vic answered the door with a glass of bourbon in one hand…and nary a stitch of clothing on. "Well if it isn't the Smiths! Come on into living room and have a seat. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes," Vic chirped happily, seemingly ignoring the fact that his "Jones" was on full-display. The Smiths regarded the nude Vic with surprise and horror, with Stan gasping, "Bwaaaaahhhhhh!"


	2. Chapter 2: Naked Dinner

**I do not own American Dad! Original characters belong to me, American Dad characters belong Seth Macfarlane, Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, and Fox Network. Contains non-sexual nudity in a family setting.**

The Smith stood rooted to the ground, stunned by the naked man before them. Vic was equally caught off guard by their reaction. "What's wrong? Don't tell me you're vegetarians now!" said Vic, taken a sip of bourbon.

Suddenly, a woman who could only be Vic's wife came to the door. She was slightly tanned, had curly brown hair cut above her shoulders, pretty, and was nude as her as her husband.

"I heard some commotion going on from the kitchen. What seems to be the problem?" Mandy asked.

Regaining some of her composure, Francine replied, "Oh its n-nothing. We can s-see that you're not decent yet. We can come back l-later, if you want."

Mandy looked puzzled. "What? We're plenty decent! Didn't Vic tell you; we're nudists."

Stan's eyes bugged out of his head. "YOU'RE NUDISTS!?" Steve, embarrassed, tried to take of his eyes the nude woman's breasts, while Roger looked straight at Vic's member with no shame what so ever. Hayley smiled to herself and thought, 'Well, so much for a boring evening.'

Vic said proudly, "Yup, nudists. As in _au naturel Americans_! That wouldn't be a problem…would it?" Vic was starting to think he should have thought this whole dinner thing through…

Mandy sighed and said, "Well why don't you all come inside and make yourself comfortable, and maybe meet the rest of the family. Dinner will be ready soon."

Shaken by the revelation, the Smiths were ready to get the hell out of there and forget what they just saw. Stan however, felt they should still be polite to their new (nude) neighbors and led his family into the Jones household.

As the Smiths made their way into the house, Mandy swatted her husband on the arm and whispered through her gritted teeth, "You didn't tell them?"

Innocently, Vic defended himself, "It's just that I got excited, what with meeting Stan Smith and all, I guess I forgot to mention it to him."

Mandy grunted angrily at Vic. She loved her husband dearly, even more than their lifestyle, but when it came to their naturism, he could be very, _very _dense.

Back when they were living in Florida, Vic went on business trip in Tallahassee and stayed at the Marriott. Deciding to check out the pool, Vic went out in his birthday suit rather than his bathing suit in broad daylight! Needless to say, Vic has been banned from the Marriott ever since.

"By the way, I'm Mandy, Vic's wife," introduced Mrs. Jones. "Oh, hello there Mandy," responded Francine, "I brought some dessert over as a little welcoming gift. It's apple…pie." Francine just remembered what "pie" was slang for.

"Thanks this looks simply wonderful!" praised Mandy. Having more tact than her husband, Mandy tried to make the Smith's predicament as painless as possible.

'I hope we don't end up scaring the neighbors,' Mandy thought nervously. Knowing about their terrific adventures, Mandy hoped they would adventurous enough to overlook their nudism. Wishful thinking though, considering their reaction.

In the living room, the Smiths were getting acquainted with the Jones kids. "Hello! My name is Taylor. Please to meet all of you," greeted a teenaged girl with straight blond hair in a ponytail. "Hi, I'm Luke!" said a boy with curly golden hair. "'Sup, I'm Reggie," said coolly by a young man with wavy brown hair sitting in a chair. Like their parents, they were all nude.

"Hello there," Stan said nervously, "I'm Stan Smith. This is my wife Francine and my children Steve and Hayley." Roger coughed artificially into his fist, hoping Stan would get the hint. "Oh and this is our Uncle Roger."

The alien disguised in a ginger wig and moustache and plaid sweater vest with khakis bowed. "Charmed I'm sure." Luke whispered to his older sister, "Why are these people wearing clothes?"

"Luke, don't worry about it," hushed Taylor, although she was just as curious about the textile visitors as her younger sibling.

From their appearance, the Smiths were able to deduce that Taylor was Steve's age, Reggie was Hayley's age, and Luke was around 10 or 11.

Steve, desperately trying to hide his "interest" for Taylor, thought to himself, 'This is going to a _long _night. And to think she's coming to my school next week!'

Vic and Mandy came into the living room to join their and their guests. "So have the Smiths met all the Joneses?" asked Mandy.

Francine was about to speak up when a golden retriever suddenly burst into the living room.

"Oh yeah," Vic said, scratching the canine behind his ears, "how could we forget Bruce, our family dog and the original nudist!"

The Smiths laughed nervously, trying to make their situation less awkward than it already was. Sensing their nervousness, Mandy announced, "All right everyone, dinner should be ready. Please proceed to the kitchen if you will."

"Awesome, I am starving," Reggie said as he made his way to the dining room.

The two families followed suit and arrived at the dinner table. The Smiths took their seats, while the Joneses got small towels, lay them on their chairs and sat down.

Mandy began setting the table with corn, mashed potatoes, beverages, and the chicken. "You haven't lived until you've tried my chicken!" Mrs. Jones claimed boisterously. "Amen to that!" Vic said, lifting his glass of bourbon.

'Good, maybe the food will take their minds of the naked elephant in the room,' thought Stan as the families started to the meal before them. Then, Hayley just _had _to speak up.

"So I take it being naked is normal from where you're from," she said, nonchalantly.

Stan nearly choked on his chicken, while Francine gasped, "Hayley!"

However, Vic simply chuckled lightly. "Actually, it is normal! Before moving to Virginia, I was an agent for Florida's Sunshine Paradise Naturist Resort Division. Lots of people went nude."

"So, let me get this straight; you lived in a _nudist colony_?" asked Steve, bewildered that hundreds of people lived like that every day.

"Ah-ah, we prefer the term 'naturist resort'," corrected Mandy softly.

"You probably would have hated it there," Reggie chimed in. "There was nothing but boredom and saggy old people as far as the eye can see. Nothing like what you see in the movies."

"Oooh," muttered Steve, the mental image getting rid of his physical attraction for the Jones girl.

"Hey, it wasn't all wrinkles and boredom," Taylor argued, elbowing her older brother. "Back at Sunshine Paradise, we lived close to nudist beach, so we would always go there play volleyball and beach football. I loved playing under sun. There's just no other feeling like it."

"Do you…play sports Taylor," asked Stan, remembering Vic mentioning something about a sportsman in the family. He assumed Vic meant Reggie.

"Oh yeah! I was top basketball player and softball player at my old school. I would have been top volleyball player if it weren't for a stupid sprained ankle."

"That's our Taylor," beamed Mandy. "Even when she was little, she was always playing some sport and watched football games with her dad. It wouldn't surprise me if she won a sport scholarship!"

Wanting to get a word edgewise, Luke blurted out, "And I like comic books! Especially superhero ones."

"Looks like we got ourselves a little comic geek," Uncle Roger pointed out. "Tell me son, do you like Superman or Batman?"

"Oh I love them!" said Luke enthusiastically. "In fact, I'm making my own superhero: Nude Man, the Naked Avenger!"

"That's Luke for you!" said Vic. "We keep telling him he's going to grow up to become the Stan Lee of nudists."

"Not surprisingly, Stan Lee wouldn't look out of place at our wrinkle resort," retorted Reggie, earning him another elbowing from Taylor and his mom.

The Smiths all chuckled good-heartedly on the outside, but deep down they wanted the night to end as soon as fucking possible.

An hour later, dinner was finished and the Smiths were more than ready to go home.

"Oh come on! Are you sure can't stay?" begged Vic. "I wanted to whip out Monopoly: Nudist Edition. You play for the clothes _off_ your back!"

"Nope, it's getting pretty late. A well-rested American is an effective American don't you know!" Stan said eager to leave the nudist abode.

"Are you sure you can't stick around for dessert?" Mandy asked cautiously.

"No, just consider the pie a welcome to the neighborhood gift," Francine said hopping into the car.

"Well it was just a delight meeting you all and I hope we can get together again another time," Uncle Roger said sincerely, all the while sneaking a few final glances at Vic's penis.

Once all of the family was loaded up in the car, Stan peeled out as if his life depended on it, leaving the Joneses bewildered.

Smirking, Reggie spoke, "Well, I think that well."

As the Smiths arrived at their drive way, they stayed in the car and pondered what the hell they just saw.

"Okay, I'm just going to say what's on everybody's mind," Roger said seriously. "That guy, Vic, has a pretty big schlong. It has to be at least 8 inches," Roger announced in the same serious tone.

"Oh really. I didn't notice, probably because HIS SCHLONG WAS RIGHT IN THE FUCKING OPEN! SERIOUSLY, HE WAS ADVERTISING IT LIKE IT WAS A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!" Steve cried out hysterically, soaking in the events from the Jones household.

"Honestly, that was different from what I had in mind. I expected ham-fisted, long winded Republican banter," Hayley said, apparently unfazed.

"I know, right? Instead we got some serious M. Night Shyamalan shit!" said Stan, laying his head on the steering wheel. "How the hell am I going to face Vic at work?"

Steve just had a thought of his own. 'How the hell am I going to face Taylor? She's starting school next Monday!' Steve could barely handle his arousal when he met her, how was he going fare at school _after_ already seeing her naked!

Emotionally drained from the experience, Francine announced, "If anybody needs me, I am going take a long, cold shower and pretend that never happened! Some stretch marks were never meant to be seen by other women."

"I feel you, Francine," Stan said, exiting the vehicle. "If I ever see Vic Jones it will be too damn soon!"

"I think we really hit off!" Vic called over to his wife while in the shower of his private bathroom connected to his bedroom. (One could say it was like Stan Smith's own private bathroom.)

Mandy was in bed, reading The Great Gatsby, wearing nothing but a pair of reading glasses.

"I don't know Vic," she said as she put her book and reading glasses away, "the Smiths seemed a bit freaked out by us tonight. Lord only knows why."

Unable to take a hint, Vic replied, "They were surprised, that's all. Given their all adventures, I'm sure a little nudity wouldn't bother them that much."

Mandy sighed, "Well at least keep it from the other neighbors. I don't think this neighborhood is ready for 'Vic Jones Nude Lawn Mowing' yet."

Turning off the water and wrapping a towel around himself, Vic stepped out of the bathroom and said, "Seriously though Mandy, I really want us to be friends with this family. This being a new town we could use some new faces in our lives."

Seeing the forlorn look on his face, Mandy Jones couldn't help but feel sorry for her husband. The move had been hard on the kids and with Vic being the patriarch, he had shoulder the guilt and second guessing in moving here. There had been sleepless nights and even a few tears, more with Vic than their children.

Smiling, Mandy comforted him, "Hey there, it's going be okay. So who cares what the Smiths might think. With that Jones charm of yours, who wouldn't want to be around you, clothed or not. After all, that's how you got me."

Vic cheered up with his wife's encouragement. "Thanks Mandy.'

"Now then, would you like to join me in bed?" Mandy purred.

"Hold on, let slip into something more comfortable," he replied sensually. He turned around and dropped his towel. "New from Victoria's Secret: The Birthday Suit!"

The naturist couple laughed as Vic climbed in to bed with his wife. That night, he slipped soundly for the first time in months.

The next day, the Smiths decided to go on a family outing at the mall. Roger had a shift at Aunt Annie's under a new persona, Steve wanted to check out the new game consoles, Stan and Francine just wanted to clean their slates after last night.

Hayley, however, would be staying behind.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us Hayley?" Francine as the family walked out the door.

"No thanks. There's this book I've been dying to read about these two women who try to overcome the social…"

"Well you have fun then," Francine interrupted as she stepped out the door.

After making sure her family was gone, Hayley ran up to her room and locked the door.

Alone in her room, Hayley began take off her clothes. Soon, Hayley Smith was nude.

"Now that the prudes are gone, it's time to take this nudist thing for a spin," Hayley told herself boldly. Naked but confident, Hayley unlocked her door and stepped out of her room…


End file.
